


The One Where I Wrote A Sue Parody Badly

by Jeanne160



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Harry is OOC as well, Hogwarts Third Year, How Do I Tag, I Apologize for how I Present Transgender Side Characters, I don't really describe the Sue, Mary Sue Parody, Mild Language, Non-Graphic Violence, Out of Character, Ron Bashing, Snape is OOC, So many OOC characters, This was a stupid thing I did, What Was I Thinking?, kind of, no seriously, slight mention of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 06:12:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2802428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeanne160/pseuds/Jeanne160
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeanne just moved to England from America and changes several plot elements during her stay in Hogwarts during Harry's third year. Why? And what's that about not needing a time turner?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One Where I Wrote A Sue Parody Badly

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for part of Nanowrimo and at first I only had a small section, then I read it to my sister, she though the main character sounded like a Sue and thus the Sue parody was born. I'm just going to say right now that I write a lot of Sue when it comes to fanfiction. I just can't create a non-sue in fanfiction. I also can't write characters with established personalities, so yeah. In any case, here is my sue 'parody' and I eagerly anticipate the screams of outrage.
> 
> PS. I'm sorry about how I wrote a transgender side character, I really didn't mean any offense  
> PPS. Possible Trigger Warning for mentions of the OC being abused (it's more than hinted at), and for how I wrote a side Transgender Character.  
> PPPS. Don't read the End Note until after you read though the whole thing - (it has a spoiler)

Jeanne smiled with a sense of remorse as she entered the first empty compartment on the train. She wasn’t happy to be leaving her father and sister behind, but her mother was not one she would miss very much. She had long since gotten over her mother’s noted absence in her life and was fine with never seeing the woman again.

Platform 9 ¾ was packed full of crying parents and their children struggling to get away from them so that they would not miss the train. How dull, Jeanne thought, they should have said all of their goodbyes at home and left the drama there as well. One particularly large and loud group was of red heads, all of which were hugging each other. The only thing that could have made the scene more dramatic was if a weeping angel was behind the rather loud group. Jeanne giggled a little at the thought.

Hours later the train was moving and outside there was nothing other than beautiful trees and bright green hills. Scotland, Jeanne decided, was gorgeous. Jeanne was almost lulled to sleep by the rhythmic hum of the train when the compartment door opened. In walked a boy with short brown hair and lively green eyes. The smile he sent in her direction did not cause a wrinkling around the eyes (almost like crowfeet to later be smoothed out when the face relaxed), the ends of the eyebrows did not dip, and the cheeks did not raise; all indicating his smile was false. Overall, it looked forced.

“Can I sit here?” he asked, “All the other compartments are full.”

“Of course you may,” replied Jeanne.

The boy of course put his trunk in the compartment above the seats (which Jeanne had to question the safety of), and gingerly sat in an empty seat by the window, directly across from her. Jeanne almost wanted to withdraw into herself, keeping everything about herself hidden and safe, but knew it wasn’t a good idea since she didn’t have any friends yet. On the other hand, she knew that she sometimes had a difficult time keeping her mouth out of it, and that could cause trouble as well.

“So, what’s your name?” asked Jeanne, giving him a polite smile in return.

“Harry,” he said, a little shocked.

How odd, Jeanne thought, it’s unusual to express shock to asking one’s name.

“So Harry, where are you from?” Jeanne asked, since she really was all about the light chit chat wasn’t she?

“Surrey, it’s-”

“Near London,” the two said together. The pair giggled a little at the shared response.

“So how is it that you, and American, know where Surrey is?” Harry asked.

“Couldn’t hide the accent could I? I took a trip there this past summer so that my family and I could tour the Hampton Court Palace. I found it quite enjoyable; although I’m sure my older brother (or was it a sister?) got more out of it than I did.” Jeanne replied, a genuine smile appearing on her face from the memories.

“So what’s Hogwarts like?” Jeanne asked while she tucked one leg under her body and leaned forward.

“It’s not very interesting. You go to class, you do your homework, you attempt to learn, throw in a close call with death here and there and you have what I can only describe as the perfect school year,” the sarcasm fell from Harry’s mouth almost as though he couldn’t control it.

“I take it the school is a death trap unto itself?” Jeanne asked, excitement lighting up her eyes.

“You have no idea,” it was said almost morbidly, with a monotone voice, and a drooping in the body, with the eyes losing focus and gaze falling downward, as did his chin; indicators of genuine sadness.

“Did something happen to your friends because of what’s happened at the school?” Jeanne bridged the gap between them by putting her hand on his which was resting on top of his knee.

“Yes, but I’d rather not talk about it,” Harry said pointedly.

“Say no more, I’m all about not talking about – what time is it?” Jeanne asked quickly.

After checking his watch Harry responded with “Four in the evening.”

“In the Summer turning to fall? The sky’s too dark for that,” Jeanne stood quickly and pulled Harry with her, leaving the trunks behind, “we need to find a completely empty compartment.”

Just as Jeanne was shoving Harry into a compartment with an older gentleman sleeping in the corner by the window Harry asked, “What’s going on?”

“You’ll know very soon,” Jeanne replied, ushering him under the seat where the trunk of the older man was, “Tie your tie around your eyes and ears, it’ll keep you safe.”

“I thought you wanted a completely empty compartment,” Harry responded but obeyed her command.

“On a train full of school children in different cliques? Not possible,” Jeanne shook the older man awake, pointed to his watch, and then to the sky.

The train lurched to a stop, sliding the trunk, and Harry forward. As soon as the train came to a complete stop Harry scrambled back into his original position under the seat. Jeanne, who had been hit by the trunk sliding forward, laid down on one of the red seats. The older gentleman, who obviously realized exactly what was happening, sat up in his seat with his wand out, body directed toward the door of the compartment.

The dementors didn’t even stand a chance against the Professor. They were banished from the compartment so quickly that no one really understood what happened. Afterward, the professor wrapped Jeanne’s leg in a split made from a transfigured scroll and some bandages the professor happened to have in his bag. The rest of the trip to the castle was rather uneventful.

~ ~ ~

The Great Hall was loud, even from the other side of the door. Jeanne had gotten help from Madam McGonagall to get into her school uniform, since she had a broken leg and all. Any part of the uniform which would normally have color was only in grey, which would change as soon as she was sorted into a house.

McGonagall left the hall, pointed at Jeanne, and led her into the hall as Dumbledore loudly announced that there was a ‘change to the usual first night back routine.’

“Students, this is Parker, Jeanne. She has recently moved here from the US. As she was never sorted before the start of the year, she will be sorted into a house now. Jeanne, please step up to the stool,” boomed Dumbledore.

Striding up to the stool with the sorting hat on top of it, Jeanne sat when prompted too, and the hat was placed upon her head.

How wonderful, the hat said in her head, a kind and dedicated student. It has been a while since this school has seen a procrastinator and a hard worker in the same person. The hat laughed at his own paradoxical statement.

Patience and fair play are two things you seem to value. So loyal, and so trusting, but so easily manipulated are other traits which pertain to your character. The hat hummed and hawed before continuing his analysis of Jeanne.

Many will assume you aren’t clever, but they underestimate what you can do. Jeanne thought of her talent for reading people and the hat chucked at her response to her recitation of him pointing out her own brilliance and talent.

While other would call it dedication, in you it often becomes stubbornness doesn’t it. Quite the food-fiend aren’t we? At that Jeanne blushed and hunched into herself.

No, don’t be embarrassed child, it’s good to be passionate about something. Potions might be something you excel at, since you’re so knowledgeable at cooking. You are unfortunately also a suffer of avarice, and doubt you can overcome your selfishness. Furthermore, you suffer from severe self doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Again the hat hummed before coming to a conclusion.

It had better be, he thought before exclaiming, “HUFFLEPUFF!”

As she joined her house mates, Jeanne smiled, feeling as though she was placed in the best house for her character traits.

~ ~ ~

“So who’s next?” Professor Lupin asked after Neville’s successful go at the Boggart.

“I will,” Jeanne called out, “I’ve always wanted to know what I’m most scared of.”

The boggart was once again released from its wooden prison, and quickly took the form of a rather large, busty woman with light strawberry-blonde hair. Her light blue eyes were acutely dilated, and her movements were jerky, agitated, and fitful.

This woman made Jeanne blanche, recoil in fear, and took a few steps back before attempting to cast ‘riddikulus.’ The boggart flicked the spell away as though it meant nothing as it approached, steps unhurried and an evil grin on the round face attached to a stubby neck.

“Get away from me,” Jeanne screamed at the woman, walking backwards faster before running into a fellow student.

“You can run, you little bitch,” the woman spat out in a shrill voice, “but you can’t escape me.”

All Jeanne could do was sink to the floor and rock herself back and forth. And just as the woman was about to grab a hold of her, Professor Lupin stepped in front of the boggart, transforming it into a golden sphere which with the help of ‘riddikulus’ turned into a balloon, and the fun of the class had returned to all but Jeanne, who Harry escorted to the infirmary.

~ ~ ~

  
“God, he looks like shit,” Ron complained in the Great Hall sometime before Christmas. “and he’s so mean to us. Who the hell could like him?”

Jeanne was justly insulted on behalf of the potions professor and even though it was against her better judgment, she confronted Ron.

“I’ll have you know,” Jeanne said from behind Ron, startling him, “there’s nothing wrong with not being able to go outside. You’ll notice that both the professor and I have a similar pallor due to not being outside very often.”

“His hair is so greasy and icky though,” Ron continued to complain.

“It’s not grease!” Jeanne yelled before correcting herself, “Well, it is, but it’s not human grease. Personally I would prefer to stick Cresco or Vaseline in my hair, but since the wizarding world is all about organic over synthetic, it’s probably leftover bacon grease.”

“Wha?” Ron asked, his mouth was full of bacon.

“Some potions give off fumes which when combined with hair become toxic to both the brewer, and anyone they come into contact with. The grease is a protective layer,” Jeanne scolded, “You’d know all of this if you actually paid attention to class once in a while.”

“That doesn’t change the fact he’s a right bastard,” Ron insisted.

“Of course not,” Jeanne replied, “since your initial statements had nothing to do with his character. If you haven't realized it yet, black magic can be just as, and sometimes more dangerous than blue and red. Potions are the most basic form of Black magic, and since injury is a serious concern, he has to be strict. It’s how he keeps student safe.”

“I always knew potions was evil,” Ron scowled.

“Mr. Weasly,” Jeanne gritted through her teeth, “that’s not the meaning of black magic I meant. In the Pentochomatic System, black magic is the magic contained in objects. It’s what allows our wand s to have any power.”

“Fifteen points to Hufflepuff,” Professor Snape deadpanned, “for attempting to explain the obvious to the oblivious, and for defending my life choices to your classmate, and for exceptional knowledge of the Pentochormatic System which this school does not give enough focus to.”

Ron was left to cry in abject horror while Jeanne skipped back to the Huffelpuff table, satisfied with her actions.

~ ~ ~

“I knew it,” Jeanne screamed as the grim became Sirus Black, “I knew you innocent all along!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Ron asked as scabbers bit his hand.

“Not so fast Pettigrew,” Jeanne quickly froze the rat in place.

“What the bloody ’ell do you mean Pettigrew?” Ron asked again in a rather rude tone.

“All that was found of Peter Pettigrew was his -” her explanation was interrupted by Sirius yelling “Finger.”

“I don’t know the spell to turn him back to human though,” Jeanne remarked as she sat next to Harry, who was in too much shock to do much of anything.

And as if by magic Remus stormed into the room, pointed his want at the rat, and turned him back into the human Peter Pettigrew.

As the group was leaving the Shrieking Shack, Peter remarked, “You’ve forgotten haven’t you?”

“It’s the full moon tonight,” Jeanne reminded all of them, “Remus, you should go back to the Shack. We’ll be fine bringing Peter in.”

On that fateful night when Harry would go back in time to save Buckbeak, that would be the only thing he would need to save, thanks to Jeanne being at the right place at the right time.

~ ~ ~

“So,” future Harry asked as Jeanne entered his house with a plate of cookies, “You changed everything.”

“Yes I did,” she told the aging man while her transgendered sister opened a bottle of wine to celebrate.

“And Sirius lived?” the older Harry Potter asked.

“Yes,” Jeanne replied, “Bellatrix fell through the veil, Teddy doesn’t exist because Remus had no reason to marry Tonks, and Sirius is happy.”

“What do you mean Teddy doesn’t exist?” Harry yelled enraged.

“Remus and Sirius were lovers, until he fell through the veil. When that happened, Remus started dating Tonks and yes, he did have comfort sex with her. Teddy was the result of one person trying to make another feel better. Since Sirius lived, Remus never had a reason to go after Tonks,” Jeanne explained, “Every action has it’s consequence.”

“Also,” Jeanne added, “You no longer know how to cast the patronus charm, since you didn’t need to at any point of your third year.”

“Why haven’t you suffered any consequence?” Harry asked.

“You don’t see it, do you?” Jeanne asked, “You really don’t do you? I’m fading before your eyes, and you can’t even see it.”

“What do you mean you're fading?” Harry asked again.

“When you, Ron, and Hermione were running around the forest hiding from death eaters, the three of you had a threesome and Hermione became pregnant,” Jeanne attempted to explain, “That never happened because I pushed Hermione and Ron away from you. I don’t exist.”

“Then what did happen?” Harry asked.

“You went with Luna and Neville instead,” Jeanne said pointedly, “Look at how my sister/brother isn’t fading,” and by now Jeanne was barely more than a ghost in front of Harry, “You can figure that out by yourself, can’t you?”

Harry cried bitter tears of sorrow before Jeanne finally disappeared, knowing that the sacrifice his own daughter made to make him happy would soon be forgotten by even himself.

**Author's Note:**

> PPPPS. I really don't mean to offend anyone with the transgender character, but the OC doesn't know how to address the person which was initially a stupid joke about how in sue fics nobody knows what gender siblings are and it turned into a transgender thing. I still apologize.


End file.
